New Russian Army fitness test to include ‘drop, scream, & run’

MOSCOW — The Russian Army plans to modify its fitness test to include the drop, scream, and run event, sources confirmed today.

The test is said to reflect the type of actions Russian soldiers face during the War Special Military Operation in Ukraine.

The test features soldiers dropping a simulated AK-12 (Mossin-Nagants and pointy sticks will be used for “volunteers”), screaming at a decibel loud enough to warn others, and then a sprint in the direction of Moscow.

The test was developed to give new Russian soldiers a realistic sense of the combat and elite infantry maneuvers they are likely to see in Ukraine.

“We learned that many soldiers were not prepared for the type of action we are seeing,” said Kremlin spokesman and 80’s Bond villain Spasat’sya Begstvom. “We found many of our soldiers were collapsing, soiling themselves, and crying instead of making a proper reverse attack.”

Despite their best effort, the Russian Super Duper Special Military Operation™ has not gone as planned. Reports indicate that Russia has suffered over 80,000 casualties since February. Many of the casualties were the result of soldiers falling from open windows while not being properly trained on how to fall safely, according to the Russian Ministry of Defense.

The drop, scream, and run is only the first of many planned amendments to the current fitness test. Other additions will include,

The new test will begin on October 1st but it may be pushed back by Ukrainian forces.

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